Friday, June 30, 2006

One month from today...

Yes, the official countdown to thirty has begun. In one month, I will no longer be in my twenties. I know it's not really that big a thing and I'm not like upset about turning thirty or anything. I'm, well, maybe a little disappointed in myself. I'm sad that I don't know myself any better than I do. I guess I thought that by age thirty, I know what the heck I wanted to do with my life, career-wise. I don't. I don't have a freaking feasible clue. I have about a dozen impossible dreams (photographer, pastry chef, interior designer, research librarian, professional margarita taster...), but since I'm not even in a position to start any of them yet, I can't even decide if the impossible could be possible. Tom and I have agreed that it's important for me (or him - he would actually love to stay home with the kids) to be home with our kids through high school. We're talking about 17 more years - IF we don't have a fourth kid. I'm sure I'll do something part time because I just don't think I can handle the kind of boredom. At any rate, I'm using the time to test out my ability to do some of the things on my list.

One month from today...My parents' oldest child will be thirty. How freaky must that be? I was in shock when T turned five in May. I mean, seriously. I'm the mother of a five year old? How is it possible that five years has gone so quickly? Did something happen to time? Did someone speed it up in those years? Are my parents thinking the same thing?

When I was pregnant with T (and before, really) I had this idea that becoming a mother would make me a different person, that somehow the process of giving birth would change me so irrevocably that the old me and the new me would be entirely different people. It was quite a revelation after his birth - well, a year or so later, to realize that I was not at all different. I was still me - crazy, moody, tempermental, wildly fun at times. I think I had difficulty adjusting to motherhood because of my insane expectation. I realized when I started typing this that I was doing the same thing to turning thirty. I'm stopping myself. It's just a day. A number. Nothing will be different. I will not suddenly have the insight I didn't have the previous day. Expecting anything different would be pretty stupid, especially having already learned this lesson.

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