Thursday, November 30, 2006

Ac-cen-tuate the positive...m

I can't quite eliminate the negative, but I need to focus on all the good fortune in my life to avoid getting worried and panicky about the bad stuff (which is always money concerns). Tom and I have a good relationship most of the time. Our kids are happy and healthy. Our families are basically sane (you know, as sane as anyone else). I sometimes get so overwhelmed by our financial problems, like enormous students loans and ever bill being behind right now, that I forget how very lucky we are.

In the spirit of the season, I'm vowing to keep that in my mind. And remember that twenty years from now the kids probably won't remember or ever have known that money was beyond tight. My dad was telling me about their early years and I didn't have a clue at the time. I'm hoping that this will just end up a story to tell T, G and S when they're facing tough times.

I'm doing it again, aren't I? Forgetting how great my husband and kids are, how we all stick together and all the good stuff. Ugh. Okay. No more.

Monday, November 27, 2006

The holiday blues? or Fake it till you feel it

I've been kind of down lately. Okay, really down. That's weird for me. Sure, I'm a moody bitch most of the time, but my moods go up just as quickly as they go down. I've been stressed over money, which isn't really anything unusual, but at the holidays, it hurts a lot worse. But things are looking up, so I'm starting to as well.

Interestingly, I've had my first non-family/friend request for photos. I don't even know what to do. My family is telling me I have to ask for a fee - even if it's just for gas, but I just don't feel good enough to do that. I did a shoot for my friend on Friday and I'm really proud of how good some of the photos are. I'm excited about the potential, but nervous about the really really soon reality of that. This is where I was planning to be in about a year, another year of low-stress shoots under my belt, another year of knowing the ins and outs of my camera (actually, that's the one part I am comfortable with), another year of developing my eye. My new sister-in-law has loads of potential word of mouth customers and in just my family, there are tons of kids and new babies being born all the time. I'm just not sure I'm ready. I told Tom that I feel like I'm at the top of a hill getting ready to run down it. It will be fun and exciting, but terrifying. And I hope to hell I don't fall.

So the holiday blues kind of stem from all that. I'm just not into it. Thanksgiving fell early this year, which seems to rob me of potential holiday spirit every time. It doesn't help that it's unseasonably warm and our house is still in disarray from all our unfinished projects. We made some progress organizing (and - shhh - getting rid of A LOT of toys). A little more work on it this week and I think we'll be ready to decorate later this week. I think I just need to fake the holiday spirit until I feel it so that I don't end up getting behind.

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

The view from our hotel room...

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Friday to Monday in the Caribbean is not enough time.

And now we're back, fully in the swing of everyday life. I have much to blog about from this trip, the most relevant being my identity crisis. Everyone around me thought that I was missing my kids and therefore kind of down. But the real problem was not so much that I missed them (of course I did, but it wasn't that bad), but that I was blindsided by how completely I define myself by them. I am T, G and S's mother. Without the T G and S, I was...I didn't know. I...I... I don't think this is a good thing and I'm hoping it will bring about some changes in my life maybe, although I'm not sure what.

The photography part was the highlight of the trip for me. I was the wedding photographer and loved it. And I loved knowing how to get good shots and figuring out the light and working with it. I took over 500 pictures and I'm going to spend the rest of the week going through them and sorting into categories and editing as needed.

Tom figured out that I was tense thoughout the trip because I was nervous about the return flight. I don't mind being away from my babies, but I'm not a good flyer (although that part turned out pretty easy and I might even do it again). As soon as we landed back home, I was relaxed. I didn't relax very much on the trip, not like one would expect. I felt like I needed to be doing something. When I sat on the beach, I felt like I needed to be doing dishes or laundry or something. I had trouble sleeping - worried about getting home and the bills and crap that awaited me. And I feel very guilty because Tom and I didn't get any couple time - mainly because I was wrapped up inside my head and partly because we were there with a group, we needed to spend time with them (or, well, I suppose I wanted to. Tom would have liked to spend less time with them, I think). Posted by Picasa