Monday, June 15, 2009

what a weekend...

Just reuniting all over the place. I caved and decided to go to my high school reunion's pre-reunion informal thing at a local bar. It was...surreal. That's really the only word to describe. At times I was completely happy about being there and seeing people and at other times I felt just like I used to in high school - on the fringes. Luckily, at this stage in my life, I don't fight where I fit in. I'm on the fringes of every group - even now. I just go with it. Because to get into a group would mean a change in my lifestyle. I hate making plans because I get so stressed out in advance of them. Hanging with a set crowd sort of implies that you're going to make plans.

Tom and I are going to a wedding this weekend and I've been stressed about it for at least two weeks. I have a lot to do to get ready for it (like getting the kids ready to leave me...I mean, getting the kids ready for their super-fun stay with grandmom. They won't miss me. Maybe Miss V. Maybe.).

Then we had a family reunion with my dad's side of the family. I've always felt like a fringe member of my mom's family too. I'm tall and dark. They're short and blond and blue/green-eyed. I just don't always feel like I fit in there. My dad's side of the family? I look just like them all. I'm...well, let's just say my mom's people have the metabolisms of hummingbirds and I'm again on my dad's side of things. But we don't see my dad's family very often, so while the conversations are easier (so how have the past five years been?) they're not always fulfilling. But again, I stress out at these events. I don't eat, I don't sit down. I end up feeling exhausted and have no idea why (it's all the standing and pacing and not eating).

I'm still trying to process all the things I've taking away from these reunions. I think the main thing for me is that I'm now capable of saying (to myself) so what if I don't fit in with crowd X? And maybe I need to work more on maintaining/reestablishing the relationships I let slide that I regret.

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