Ten on Tuesdays: About Me

When I was a teenager, my mother read an article in a women’s magazine about multiple intelligences. She picked one that she thought described me perfectly. It was “Intrapersonal Skills” – meaning, I know myself. Now, at age 36, I can see that as a compliment, especially for a teenager, since that seems like a rare thing. At the time, I was a little offended that she’d overlooked my other considerable intelligences, lol. The truth is I’m just an introvert and I enjoy and need to spend time alone – which is not always easy as the mom of four. Summer is especially hard on me. There’s no naptime and school time for me to recharge. It’s funny, but it seems working is actually when I get a little time to myself.

Things I’ve learned about myself this past year:

1. I’m an artist. Seriously, not a way I would ever in a million years have described myself prior to now. I can’t draw or paint. Put such tools in my hand and you’d wonder if I’d lost my mind describing myself as an artist. But give me a computer and drawing program and I’m not bad. And something I’ve always known, even when I didn’t think of myself as an artist, I have style and taste. My style is not everyone’s style, which in the past has had me doubting myself, but I’m learning that’s it’s okay and nothing personal.

2. Possibly pursuant to number 1, I love color. Not just in my house, which I already knew. I love to wear bright bold colors and design with bright bold colors.

3. Again, probably related to the first item, I am a sucker for red shoes. I just bought another pair yesterday. This might also have to do with a lifelong love for the Wizard of Oz.

4. I’m ambitious. I tend to think of myself as a slacker, but only because I could be for so long.

5. I’m becoming a leader. I’m actually in charge of our local Girl Scout organization (not the council, just our service unit, which is entirely volunteer) and have been president of our local arts council. My mother has long told me that I have a strong personality, but I’ve never really understood what that meant, since I consider myself quite shy.

6. I’m still shy.

7. I’m still unfocused in terms of long-term career goals. I have way too many things that I like enough to do for a living. I want to be a graphic designer and librarian and photographer and web designer and…

8. I have trouble saying no.

9. I want things done right and I’m willing to do them myself to get them done right. Sometimes this is not good. I need to let others do things and trust that they will and even if it’s not done my way, it will be done and no one but me will know the difference. This is advice relating to volunteers as well as my household and marriage. Sometimes this refers to planning an event for the Girl Scouts, sometimes it’s doing the dishes, sometimes it’s putting the kids to bed.

10. I still have a lot of rethinking to do. Sometimes I still think of myself as a painfully shy, painfully self-conscious fifteen year old with no self-confidence whatsoever. I’m not. I haven’t been that girl in a long time, but it’s still how I would first describe myself to people.

Random Lists of Three…

This is all stuff that’s been floating in my head lately, so I thought I’d take my random thoughts and make random lists:

Goals: (If I had a bucket list these things might appear here, but I don’t, so Goals it is)

• Learn Italian
• Learn Mandarin Chinese
• Become proficient at web design (look for a blog makeover soon)

Pet Peeves:

• Poorly written/edited books
• Kids not filling the Brita pitcher back up
• People who whine that no one will help them when they’ve never actually asked for help

Guilty Pleasures:

• “Say Yes to the Dress” on TLC
• Trashy Free Kindle Books
• My nightly dessert that I hide from the kids

That which makes me happy:

• Homemade brownies with vanilla ice cream
• Holding my Viv’s hand
• Library Kindle Books

Lesson learned…twenty years later…

I spent last weekend with my extended family, including my grandmother. Since my grandfather died in November, she is my last grandparent.

I just wanted to share this story about my grandmother today.

When I was in 8th grade, we all had to take home ec for a quarter. Half our quarter was cooking and the other half was sewing. Growing up, my grandmother was the main person I knew who could sew (my mother’s talents lie elsewhere). She had taught me some basics, so this class was kind of a connection to her.

Each student in the class ordered a kit that came with all the pieces we needed to sew. I chose this god-awful sweatshirt. I can only blame the 80s/early 90s for it. It was black with a pink stripe across the middle that had “Class of 94” printed on it.

I was very careful with this sweatshirt. And if you know me at all, this is highly unlike me, especially in my younger years. I tend to rush through and just get things done rather than go slow and get it exactly right. But this sweatshirt? I went slow. I was almost done without a single mistake, until I got to the final cuff. If you don’t sew, cuffs are quite hard. Even if you do, they’re really not an easy part – it’s tiny and curvy, two really hard things to sew. I sewed a piece of the cuff back onto itself. Just a tiny piece. But it bugged me.

A few weeks later my grandmother was at my house visiting. I brought out my sweatshirt to show her, which she naturally fawned over. Then I pointed out my mistake. Do you know what she told me? She said “No one sees that but you. If you never told anyone, they would never know it was there.”

It has taken me twenty years to learn the truth of that lesson. I see so many flaws in myself. And they’ve held me back in every single thing I’ve ever done. Except the whole time the only thing holding me back is me. I point out what’s wrong when no one else sees it.

So I’m trying to take a new approach. I can’t turn off my inner critic, the one who knows all the crap I’m doing wrong. I always hear that. But I can shut her the hell up. And I can ignore her.

Facing fear…

I recently applied for a couple of jobs that really seemed to suit my skills and interests. I wasn’t necessarily planning on going back to work right now, but the fact is we’ve been living on one pretty small income for ten years – hell, longer than that. We’ve never both worked full-time at any point during our marriage.

I had a phone interview yesterday. I thought it went really well. But now I’m faced with paralyzing fear. Like I can’t do anything right now. I know, in my logical portion of my brain, that I’m afraid of the changes this could bring. Plus, I like having time to design logos for the band boosters and websites for the church. I’m afraid that going to work full-time is going to mean letting go of those things.

But then I think of all the extras we’re going without and how much easier I could breathe when I needed to go to the grocery store.

Tom suggested I substitute at the school he works at. They have a shortage of reliable subs. I think, if this job I did the phone interview for doesn’t pan out, that I will strongly consider this. If I could bring in the extra money we need and only have to work one or two days a week, I think that would be the best of both worlds. But again. Scary.

Here’s a fear to face: I recently took some self-portraits. This one is the most “me.”

Goals…

I have a new-found goal. I’m going to this formal event the first week of March. I went out with some friends dress-shopping on Saturday and fell in love with a dress. Unfortunately it calls just a little too much attention to my flaws (my flabby belly).

close up of detail on my dress – I took a pic of the whole thing, but you can’t tell what it looks like. I need a new battery for my camera remote  so I can’t get my whole body in the dress right now

So I’ve decided to step up my workouts. My goal is to workout every day, rather than every other day. Since I’ve been the same weight (plus or minus 5 pounds) for six months, this might be the push I need to hit my goal weight.

I want to weigh what I did on my wedding day by my 35th birthday. I only have 12-15 pounds to go (depending on the day). But I just can’t get past this point. Until now. So I say. It’s been two weeks of healthy eating and working out daily and no change.

I have several other 35th birthday goals. Something about that age is freaking me out. I have no logical explanation for it. But I’ve decided to make it a positive milestone rather than a negative.

I want to finally finish writing a book. I don’t care which one, just any of the myriad of books I’ve started over the years. I love to write and I’m pretty good and constructing scenes. I just suck at working those scenes into a larger cohesive plot structure.

I want to make it to the blue level on Nike Plus (this is actually a 2011 goal, not just by July 30). I think this means I need to run 500 miles this year. I have no idea if this can happen. Last year I did about 150 from Mother’s Day to the end of the year, but I had a lot of building up, sickness, etc. in there.

Beliefs…

Day 12-What you believe

I’m not a super religious person. I believe in God, though not necessarily every little detail in the Bible. I met someone who had attended Catholic school her entire life. She told me that in her more advanced Theology classes, the nuns taught them the Bible stories aren’t necessarily literal interpretations, but more symbolic. That made so much more sense to me.

I was raised Catholic, but a couple of weird experiences (all related to music, actually – they were trying some weird stuff to get people interested when all it did was turn me completely off) led me to stop attending church altogether. We moved to the town DH grew up in and his mother began taking our children to their church for Sunday school and services. I had no problem with and went in on special occasions, but wrangling a very active 2 year old in a tiny church that isn’t meant for children is not my idea of a peaceful communion with God.

My grandfather died in November. He was a devout Catholic and his funeral was a full mass. I couldn’t believe how utterly at peace I felt during that service. It was a complete epiphany. The reason I’ve never felt comfortable at my husband’s Methodist church is that I’m not Methodist. I am well and truly Catholic.

Now I’m on a mission to find a Catholic church that I like and isn’t too far away. There are none within 15 miles of my house, so it’s a matter of how far do I want to go? I would go farther for a church I liked, since once you’ve gone 20 minutes, another five isn’t that big a deal. That actually sums up life in this little town.

Fear factor…

Day 10-Something you're afraid of

I have one major phobia (well, two if you count heights, but that’s more just an avoidance or dislike – not necessarily a fear). It’s so specific that I’m not even sure there could possible be a word for it.

Insects/creepy crawlies en masse. Any group of insects freaks me the hell out. See one, two, half  a dozen ants around? No big. A pile of uncountable ants? FREAK! It’s not just limited to ants – I use them as an example because they’re fairly benign. I mean, who’s afraid of a single ant? Probably no one. Put ‘em in a big old pile and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! That was me running away for a can of bug spray.

It’s not just ants, though. Spiders, natch. Ladybugs, even. Pretty, innocent little ladybugs. A whole corner of our back porch was covered in them and I flipped.

So note to insects and arachnids worldwide – there is NOT safety in numbers at my house. Fastest way to get yourself on the business end of a can of Raid is to stick with a whole bunch of your buddies.

My favorite movies…

Day 7-Favorite movies

In the campy comedy category, we have

Clue

Clueless

Groundhog Day (planning to watch tomorrow, cause we’re dorks like that)

 

In the romantic comedy category, the nominees are:

The Holiday

Love, Actually

(leaving room because I know I’ve forgotten lots here)

 

For the nostalgia factor:

Grease

Grease 2 (yes, I know it’s awful)

The Parent Trap (Hayley Mills version only, please) – this is also my sick movie.

Pollyanna

The Trouble with Angels (we were big Hayley Mills fans)

 

Favorite Classics:

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (which I think should be required watching in every civics/government lesson)

It’s a Wonderful Life (which, btw, is what I name when forced to pick just one favorite – I have a thing for Jimmy Stewart – let’s not talk about how he’s dead and even if he weren’t, he’d be a mummy)

The Wizard of Oz

Gone with the Wind

My first love…

Day 3-Your first love

My first love? This should probably be a  person, huh? And yet I know the real answer. Books. I’m a reader and have been since I was four. My grandma taught me how to read Go Dogs, Go! when I was four. Really I probably memorized it, but I still loved the power of telling myself the story.

I began to read everything in sight after that. I’m one of those people whose eyes just can’t stop themselves from reading. It makes me sort of nosy, but if my eyes see words, I have a compulsion to read them. And I have 20/10 vision (and possibly better – that’s where they stop measuring) so I can see pretty far away.

I tend to go in trends. Right now I’m on a historical romance novel kick. I suppose they’re nothing but fluff, but well, at the end of the day (which is when I read), my brain wants fluff and a happy ending. What can I say? I am a natural worrier so most of the “book club” books seem like they would just fuel my tendency to fret.

I also like to read cozy mysteries, meatier historical fiction, and biographies. I used to read true crime, psychological thrillers and straight-up mysteries (I don’t know the technical definition, but in my mind cozy mysteries are lighter, less gruesome reads). But then I had the 10PM Epiphany and I haven’t read those genres since.

The 10PM Epiphany? Why, that’s the realization that I worry less and sleep better if I go to bed without watching the 10PM dramas (I’m on the East Coast – remind me sometime to explain my theory about why Midwesterners tend to be nicer). A – my blood pressure doesn’t spike from the tension and get me in a pattern of getting all stressed and B – I don’t watch the news that comes on after it and trust me – that’s helped immensely. I’ve found that I can even tolerate waking up early in the mornings (and by that I mean before 9) since I had the Epiphany. Sort of. Still not a morning person, but I’m better.

I think once my kids are older and I sleep like a normal person (rather than being woken up by a two-year-old who can get out of her crib and wants to watch “Ooh-Ooh” - AKA Curious George – at 4AM tapping me with the remote), I might venture back into more literature type reads. In large print. Or maybe I’ll check out a Kindle for the text-enlarging feature. Yes, I have fab visual acuity, but a terrible attention span. Large print has less info on a page so I can absorb it better. Not a problem for fluff novels, but I need smaller chunks for the heavy stuff.

All About Me…

(Inspired by this post) I’m going to try to follow all 30 days.

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts

I’m the girl behind the camera at our house. Unless my husband physically pries the camera out of my hands (or I ask for help – something I’m loathe to do), I’m only in photos in as much as my vision created the photo.

Tom took the camera from me on New Year’s Eve, so I do have a few pictures of me from only a few weeks ago. This is unusual.

I actually like this photo a lot. I’m wearing my favorite Notre Dame shirt. Go Irish! They won an awesome bowl game against Miami on NYE, so I was especially happy to wear it. Our kids are a little too young to stay up until midnight so we have a countdown at 9 PM with a party. We had chocolate fondue, a veggie tray with dip and sparkling cider. Yeah, we’re party animals, what can we say?

1. Compulsive crafter

2. Mom to four

3. Wife to a musician

4. Runner (something I never would have identified myself as even a year ago, despite the fact that I’ve been running longer than that. I just spent so much of my life as a non-athletic klutz that my being a runner took some time to sink in. But I am. I run. It keeps me sane (saner).

5. Friends trivia buff

6. Cookie mom for my DD’s Girl Scout Troop.

7. Baker extraordinaire (that might be an exaggeration. I do love to bake from scratch, though).

8. Lover of coffee. And flavored creamers. I’m using a new one this morning – one of the Coffeemate Breve ones. It’s Vanilla Caramel. Will definitely make my rotation (I hate using the same flavor twice in a row, but I only like certain flavors, mainly vanilla based ones)

9. Notre Dame (and really any college) football fan. I love college football. I’ll watch the NFL, especially this time of year when college is done for the year. But my first choice is always college. I think they just play harder. I mean, it makes sense. Every game is an audition for the big time, so they have to play their hearts out.

10. Leo (and no, I don’t recognize the “new” Zodiac. A – my physics teacher in high school told us about that and it’s been…a few years since I was in physics, so this is nothing new. And B – I don’t want to be Cancer. So there.)

11. Daughter, Sister, Cousin (to many. I mean MANY – like 35. No, 36, I think. My mom and dad both come from big families).

12. Stay-at-home Mom. I’ve been home with my children for ten years. Well, not yet. August will be the 10th anniversary of my SAHM-ness. I only have a 2.5 year old home all day now and I’m sort of bored. Maybe it’s just that I need a temporary challenge to get my brain engaged. Or maybe I’m ready to re-enter the workforce (assuming I can – not the best job market to be trying to break back into).

13. Disorganized mess. I have this huge desk in our open living room. It’s an L that serves to divide the space a little (which it does well). It’s also supposed to help me stay organized. Which, really, is expecting way too much from a piece of furniture. Plus, I need the right mix of order and chaos for my brain to properly function. Too neat and I can’t create anything. Too messy and I just can’t function. So orderly chaos. That’s not too much to ask, is it?

14. Soul Searcher. If I could make soul-searching into a career, I would. My mother said as much to me when I was about 15. She read an article about multiple intelligences and told me mine was intrapersonal skills. Can’t argue that. I’m always trying to figure myself out.

15. Lucky, lucky woman. Earlier I referred to myself as a girl, but with my coming birthday I don’t think that flies anymore. It’s one of those milestone-ish birthdays (let’s just call it the midpoint of my 30s). I have a husband whom I love and who loves me. I have four sweet kids, a warm house, plenty of food in the pantry. We may not have a lot of extra money (see #12) but we’re happy.

Music matters...

I could easily be spiralling into depression right now. Honestly, I'm not sure that I'm not. I'm sort of avoiding dealing with certain topics that would lead me there. My grandfather has cancer, a type of cancer that is pretty much fatal. He's doing chemo, which I think is just meant to buy him some time.

I can't imagine not having him in my life. My grandparents ahve always been a major part of my life. I was their first (of many) grandchild. They took me on trips with them when I was little. My sister and brother and I spent a lot of time at their house. I've always tried to visit as often as possible, especially now that I have kids. I want them to know their great-grandparents, something I didn't have an opportunity to do.

This could pretty easily send me into a catatonic type depression. Sometimes it does. I lose myself in stupid video games when I should be cleaning or reading books to my kids. But it's getting better. Because I noticed that I'm much, much happier and engaged with life when I'm listening to music. So I spruced up my iPod playlists and have it on me almost all the time now. It makes me run faster (though I have shin splints right now and am taking some running time off again), clean more, and get moving easier when I'm listening to it.

But that's not all. When I'm not listening to music, but have been recently, I'm in a better mood. Listening to music while doing all those activities is boosting my spirits later when I'm no longer listening to it.

I suppose there have been studies about this for years, but it never really occurred to me that it could have such a concrete impact on me.

Trying to get my groove back....

I'm still not feeling the fall inspiration I usually do. I'm not even up to faking it this year. I'm trying to be okay with doing what I can do and not berating myself for not doing more. It isn't easy. It's sort of a lifestyle for me - lying in bed each night cataloging every thing I think I did wrong during the day. Or at least, when I'm in this sort of funk, that's what I do. Most of the time I can let it roll off and not take it to heart too much.

I'm trying to make a few changes to get me jump started. I finally dyed my gray hair - I wanted my natural color, just not gray. I started with a semi-permanent dye because I was terrified to dye it. I'm a natural kind of girl when it comes to beauty - I hate hair that looks dyed and I think mine does, although my husband didn't even notice I'd done it until I pointed it out to him.

I've lost about 20 of the 40-50-60 pounds I'm working on (depending on how optimistic/realistic I'm being - apparently my ideal weight would have me losing 60 pounds from where I started, but 50 is the more realistic for my body, but not likely, so I'm shooting for 40 by the end of the school year/Miss V's second birthday). I feel better about myself, but I'm having some muscle/tendon problems that make running difficult and I probably shouldn't run today, but I'm going to give it a try. I hate not running now (and if you knew me, you would know that those are the strangest words I've ever typed).

I think I'm going to sign up for my first 5k. My brother has also started running so we might do a 5K together (although not together - he runs faster than me).

Couch to 5K...

I got the brilliant idea that the way for me to get back into shape and lose the baby weight (she's only 14 months - it still counts, right?) was to do the couch to 5K program. Basically I want results, fast, or I know me well enough to know that I won't keep up with it if it frustrates me. I've been being more careful about my eating habits for the past week - no extra snacks, a very small dessert (cause if I couldn't have dessert, I'd go a little nuts), nice small, healthy meals. And I freaking GAINED five pounds. Screw that - if I'm going to gain weight, I may as well eat good stuff, right?

And this is why I have sort of a bad attitude about this whole weight loss/get into shape stuff. I need to lose at least 20 pounds to feel good about myself, up to a max of 50 (which would be what I weighed before I ever met Tom, got married or had babies - it would be less than what I weighed on my wedding day, so is not at all realistic). After my previous two babies, I was able to lose 30 and keep it off and live the way I wanted to. That's my goal, right there. I want to be able to have a dessert if I want to. I want to be able to splurge on fried chicken every now and then (and really that's all I can stand it anyway).

Day one of Couch to 5K down. It went...okay. Tune in later in the week to see if I kept up with it.

And now I'm back...

from Pittsburgh (or parts nearby). We were attending a friend's wedding that happened to fall on our 11th anniversary (we married somewhat young). It was a nice getaway since we left ALL. FOUR. KIDS. with my mom and dad! It was the first time I'd been away from Miss V for an entire night.

Scenes from our stay:Tom and I liked the juxtaposition of the wind turbines and the advertisement for coal.

This was the view from the back of our hotel in a rare moment of sun. Actually, if I'd turned 45 degrees to the left, this would have been all dark gray clouds.

what a weekend...

Just reuniting all over the place. I caved and decided to go to my high school reunion's pre-reunion informal thing at a local bar. It was...surreal. That's really the only word to describe. At times I was completely happy about being there and seeing people and at other times I felt just like I used to in high school - on the fringes. Luckily, at this stage in my life, I don't fight where I fit in. I'm on the fringes of every group - even now. I just go with it. Because to get into a group would mean a change in my lifestyle. I hate making plans because I get so stressed out in advance of them. Hanging with a set crowd sort of implies that you're going to make plans.

Tom and I are going to a wedding this weekend and I've been stressed about it for at least two weeks. I have a lot to do to get ready for it (like getting the kids ready to leave me...I mean, getting the kids ready for their super-fun stay with grandmom. They won't miss me. Maybe Miss V. Maybe.).

Then we had a family reunion with my dad's side of the family. I've always felt like a fringe member of my mom's family too. I'm tall and dark. They're short and blond and blue/green-eyed. I just don't always feel like I fit in there. My dad's side of the family? I look just like them all. I'm...well, let's just say my mom's people have the metabolisms of hummingbirds and I'm again on my dad's side of things. But we don't see my dad's family very often, so while the conversations are easier (so how have the past five years been?) they're not always fulfilling. But again, I stress out at these events. I don't eat, I don't sit down. I end up feeling exhausted and have no idea why (it's all the standing and pacing and not eating).

I'm still trying to process all the things I've taking away from these reunions. I think the main thing for me is that I'm now capable of saying (to myself) so what if I don't fit in with crowd X? And maybe I need to work more on maintaining/reestablishing the relationships I let slide that I regret.

Sticking with it...

I'm working out everyday and doing something creative everyday and trying to keep up with most household chores everyday and taking time to play with the kids everyday. I'm feeling really good about most of this stuff which is a big change from how I've been feeling for a while.

I can really tell the difference in just a week of working out regularly. I don't think the number on the scale is much different (and I'm not stressing about that) but I feel more energetic and I can tell my baby flab is tightening up. I've been downloading tv shows to watch on Tom's iPod (mine doesn't have video) and find 20 minutes on the treadmill goes pretty quickly that way.

My digiscrapping is coming along. I find myself admiring these lovely fussy pages but I never make pages like that. My style - in everything - is simple and graphic. I started just using quickpages and filling in my pictures and maybe a little journaling. I'm moving on to templates and the occasional homegrown page. I'm definitely feeling more confident in it and more compelled to keep doing it the better I get at it.

I'm starting small on the household stuff. Keeping up with laundry and the dishes for now. It makes a difference. My bedroom doesn't look like a bargain rack at the Salvation Army anymore. I fold clothes as soon as (or close to it) they come out of the dryer and put them away before bed that same day. I'm trying to keep the dishes done before I go to bed.

Progress. Little by little. It's something.

Taking care of me...

It's nothing something I do very often. I make lunch and dinner for the kids. I get Tom's suits cleaned or his clothes hung up and waiting for him. I putz around at the computer but nothing substantial that really makes me feel good.

In the past week I've done more things just for me than I have probably since I got pregnant with baby #4. I've taken care of my garden (tomatoes cucumbers and peppers - starting small this year to see how things go). I planted it on Memorial Day - it's been colder than usual here so I got a late start. I haven't had to water it much since it's been pretty rainy. On Monday I got in and pulled weeds (the most dreaded chore of the most dreaded chore list for me) and planted a few pumpkin seeds. I'm hoping to get at least four (one per kid). Yesterday I fertilized and watered since it had been a while since our last storm (and then it promptly rained all night long). I'm loving watching my plants grow though a little impatient with the process.

On Monday I digiscrapped more pages than I'd done in the previous year. I'm so happy about that. I really feel like this is something I can do and enjoy. I've been asking myself lately what the point of all the pictures I take is and maybe this will help. My goal is to have 20 pages per kid per calendar year (or maybe school year or birthday year - as in from one birthday to the next - haven't decided yet).

And I'm working out. Somewhat regularly. I woke up with a headache on Monday and didn't feel guilty about skpping that day. Elevated heartrate while head is already pounding is bad mojo. Yesterday I treadmilled for as long as I could stand it before I got so bored I just couldn't take it anymore (15 minutes). Today I did yoga and strength training on the Wii Fit. Wow - can I ever feel the strength training! Then I did the aerobic workouts - advanced step and 10 minute hula hoop (which I'll never do again. I think my abs are going to fall off). This is all very good for my ankle which apparently tightened up in my year or two of not working it other than light walking.

No more excuses...

I've been avoiding dealing with a lot of things in my life lately - in part because they stress me out to even think of them so I just don't. I've been making excuses for why I can't keep the house cleaner or why I can't at least work out and keep my body (ankle) in shape. I'm mad at myself for doing it because it's not entirely true (like most of my excuses/rationalizations it's based in fact though). The baby is at a very difficult age which means I can't really do anything other than be ready to redirect her for any of her waking hours except minor tasks (folding laundry is my usual job during that time). But she sleeps. And I could be productive in those hours. But I let myself get sucked into the Internet or making curtains or one of any fun but not helpful to house or body maintenance projects.

The curtains came from my genius excuse that I can't keep our bedroom neater because we have sheets hanging on the window to block out the light instead of proper curtains/shades/whatever. It looks awful so I feel no need to make it look all pretty and neat. I thought if I took that excuse away from myself I could get it cleaner. The baby still sleeps in there though so I can only work in that room while she's awake. And while she's awake she doesn't like being still. Not a good combo.

A lot of this comes down to a couple of things. One - I need to get up off my butt and do stuff. I'm making myself a deal like I have with the kids. They can "buy" video game time from me for equivalent chore time. Spend 20 minutes emptying the trashcans and taking the trash out? You earn 20 minutes on the DS. So that's my plan for me too. Two - I need to learn to ask people for help. I just need to ask if DH to watch the baby while I clean our bedroom.

Feeling fulfilled...

I've been doing some graphic design work for my brother-in-law who is trying to start a local political action group. I designed a logo and letterhead. I'll do business cards next. Then I'm going to work on something for Tom's music department shirts. Then I'll probably do a newsletter and/or website for the political group.

This might be the first time that the 1.5 years I went to grad school for graphic design have paid off. I got pregnant halfway through my degree program - stopped to have the baby and then realized that it just wasn't something I wanted to pursue as a career anyway and decided not to go back. I have no regrets about not finishing (except maybe being able to check of graduate school as the highest level of education completed since I didn't actually complete it).

Maybe culinary school would be useful too.

Freaking kids shows...

I just took a step back today and thought about the shows my almost 4 year old is watching. God they're crap. I mean - don't get me wrong. I think most of them are adorable and the moral lessons and imagination they've bred into my lovely Miss S are priceless. But Dora doesn't teach the freaking ABCs - does she? That's what we watch a lot of. And Olivia. And Max and Ruby. All just cute shows. No ABCs or 123s.

Rethinking a lot of things right now. I'm trying to get myself more motivated to keep the house clean on a daily basis. I do fine with the big stuff - washing floors and scrubbing bathrooms. It's the clutter that gets me. But I'm having a good two weeks. Hoping to keep it up for a while. Reading to Miss S - playing with Baby V. I feel good. Then my evil temper will show up (I'm - like a dimwit - slowly starting to associate those with PMS - who'd have thunk?)