Not even a raised eyebrow?

So I got myself all worked up to go pick Mr. T up from school yesterday. It was the first warm/humid day of the year and I wore a tight t-shirt that really revealed my belly. And I'm sort of proud of it, now that I have one. It's taken long enough - I thought for sure with my fourth I'd look six months pregnant on day one, but now I'm six months pregnant and only barely look pregnant at all.

I thought I was outing myself. And it seemed like no one even noticed. A couple of moms know, so I wasn't expecting anything from them. But some who I talk to a lot didn't say anything. Maybe I still look fat and they didn't want to offend. So much for my big news.

I haven't told a lot of people that I'm pregnant. I mean obviously our families know and a couple of friends outside the family. But to casual acquaintances (like most of the other moms I stand around with up at school), I haven't said anything. And since it's been winter my big coat has covered what little belly I do have.

So maybe the big outing will be another day. Or maybe it's not as big a deal as I think.

Might be I'm a little nervous...

about this whole four kids thing. I had my second nightmare/bad dream in a row last night. The first one was a real nightmare. I woke up at 4 (after finally breaking my pattern of waking up from 1 to 5 every morning) and never went back to sleep it freaked me out so bad. Basically I was dying on the operating table after an emergency c-section (I've never had one) and DH was going to be alone with four kids. (That baby was a boy)

Last night, I dreamt that all went well and we came home, but because my other kids were so busy, I just forgot about the new baby and left it in bed for two straight days. (That baby was a girl).

So I conclude two things from my dreams. I'm freaked about having another baby. AND I'm having twins. Except one of them hides really well from ultrasound techs. Yeah, probably not twins. But definitely freaked out.

Stuff floating in my head...

Someone very close to me is pregnant. Which kind of changes my plans. Tom and I had sort of decided to try to conceive baby numero quatro this month. But I don't want to steal this person's thunder, to be a little Friends Monica about it. We decided we didn't want Miss S and the potential fourth to be a full four years apart in school, like they would be if we waited until January, like I'd been planning. So now I'm kind of torn. I probably would advise myself not to worry about it and go ahead with what we'd already planned. I just don't know. We have to wait a while anyway, so I'm just going to see what happens.

And then there's that football team I like. Dude. What is up. I mean, come on. Although I have to say it's almost better than last year where I expected them to win all their games and they got demolished. It's almost easier to have low expectations.

Other than those two things, I guess the other stuff is pretty normal day-to-day stuff. You know, knitting some hats (all part of my winter plan - I hate taking Mr. T to school in the mornings with wet hair in the winter, but I hate my hair when I first wake up. So I've been knitting hats to cover it up. Then I can come home and shower and let my hair dry inside. Don't suggest a blow dryer. I don't own one and there's a very, VERY good reason for that. Frizzy hair + blow dryer = people running screaming from me in fright.

Breaking the streak...

2006 will go down as the first year since 2000 (including 2000) that I haven't been pregnant. I say that and think "that can't be right." But it is. For at least part of every year since Y2K, I've been pregnant at least part of the year. Except this one. And I'm partly sad, but mostly okay with it. Every day that goes by, my life gets a little easier. Baby S - not so much a baby anymore as a toddler - is becoming ever so independent. She is, in fact, helping herself to a cookie as I type. Be right back.

Mr. T is in school all day and while I miss him, it's so nice to grocery shop with just two kids again. Miss G is in preschool and for those five hours a week, I only have one child to worry about. And she's usually sleeping then. I can actually get things done without having to answer 356 questions about what I'm doing.

I said to a mother at school the other day that it's now or never. We either have the fourth child now or we stay at three. In the past, I've said that I think I will regret not having another years from now. Lately, I'm not so sure. I think if I'd gone into my pregnancy with Baby S thinking it was my last, I would be okay with it having been my last. I've been trying to enjoy her babyhood as if she were my last child. Maybe that's why I don't feel as called to have that fourth baby anymore.

Babies all around me...

Another of my cousins is expecting a baby. That makes two. These things tend to happen in threes, especially in our family. So we're all looking around at who might be the third. Apparently, I'm the odds-on favorite. But I don't think my heart has quite gotten that memo. I'm still completely torn, utterly undecided about whether we want to have a fourth baby. I know that DH does, but he also knows that I do the lion's share of the work with our kids, especially when they're babies. Therefore he has wisely told me that if I decide we're done, we're done. I struggle with this decision frequently. Emotionally I know that we can handle a fourth baby. I have no worries there. It's the financial stuff that gets me. Should one decide their family status based on money alone? Because that's my only reason for saying no right now. We need a bigger house (our little three bedroom townhome will probably not withstand a fourth kid), we need more wiggle room in our bills. I don't know where I'm going with this, just trying to work it out for myself.

Actually, I've already made the decision, if I'm truly honest with myself. Just sitting here thinking about seeing families with four kids in the future and thinking that I could have done that but decided not to makes me realize how much I will regret NOT having another baby. Now, that doesn't mean the trying to conceive will begin anytime soon, just that my heart is figuring it out. Actually, my heart is figuring out to tell my head to butt out.