Peace...

A word that I continually struggle with, strive for and dream of. Right now, I'm the closest to peaceful that I've been in a long time. It's not completely there. But I know that it's up to me to get it. And by peace, I don't mean that all is perfect in my life. I just mean that no matter what mini-crisis or stress I dream up (and trust me, I have a particular talent for dreaming up stress), I know how to deal with it, either in action or in thought. Sometimes it's a matter of getting up and doing something. Sometimes it's just peaceful mantra that I've learned over the years. It goes something like "Worry about what I can do today or tomorrow, not what next week or next month is going to be like."

I tend to keep myself up every night worrying about money and the kids and Tom and all the teeny, tiny, highly unlikely things that could go wrong in our lives. Actually, I should say that I used to do that. It was especially bad when my first child was born through our second child's first birthday or so. For about three years I was sleepless and not just because I had little kids. I worried. Constantly.

I'm not saying I don't worry now. I just know how to keep myself from focusing on the irrational stuff. And I know that I can't let myself worry about things I have no control over or things that I can't change - and knowing that some things are going to require a change.

Tom recently asked me why I've been so happy lately. It comes down to this. Peace. I haven't felt this way in a long time (the year he first met me, in fact). Now I know why I missed it so much, why Peace is the thing I wish for the most.