Somewhat improved...

I'm doing a little better facing things and cleaning and doing what needs to be done. I still sort of have my head in a little bit of sand but it's getting there.

I'm having a lot of fun digital scrapbooking right now. I've been trying to get into it for two years but my computer was too slow. I finally upgraded my RAM (which was fun in itself) and have been doing mostly quickpages with my photos in them since Christmas. I've started branching out and challenging myself to at least use pre-made templates that I put my own papers and things into. It's been good. I've had to catch up on my boy's pages since everything I'm drawn to has a funky retro floral look to it.

No more excuses...

I've been avoiding dealing with a lot of things in my life lately - in part because they stress me out to even think of them so I just don't. I've been making excuses for why I can't keep the house cleaner or why I can't at least work out and keep my body (ankle) in shape. I'm mad at myself for doing it because it's not entirely true (like most of my excuses/rationalizations it's based in fact though). The baby is at a very difficult age which means I can't really do anything other than be ready to redirect her for any of her waking hours except minor tasks (folding laundry is my usual job during that time). But she sleeps. And I could be productive in those hours. But I let myself get sucked into the Internet or making curtains or one of any fun but not helpful to house or body maintenance projects.

The curtains came from my genius excuse that I can't keep our bedroom neater because we have sheets hanging on the window to block out the light instead of proper curtains/shades/whatever. It looks awful so I feel no need to make it look all pretty and neat. I thought if I took that excuse away from myself I could get it cleaner. The baby still sleeps in there though so I can only work in that room while she's awake. And while she's awake she doesn't like being still. Not a good combo.

A lot of this comes down to a couple of things. One - I need to get up off my butt and do stuff. I'm making myself a deal like I have with the kids. They can "buy" video game time from me for equivalent chore time. Spend 20 minutes emptying the trashcans and taking the trash out? You earn 20 minutes on the DS. So that's my plan for me too. Two - I need to learn to ask people for help. I just need to ask if DH to watch the baby while I clean our bedroom.

Dear Spring...

How are you? I am fine.

Actually, scratch that. I'm not fine at all. I miss you. One day it was winter and now it's summer. What is up? Seriously, what the FREAKING HELL is up with 93 degree weather in April? You, Spring, are my favorite season, but you're quickly losing ground to fall.

Please come back, Spring. All will be forgiven.

Feeling fulfilled...

I've been doing some graphic design work for my brother-in-law who is trying to start a local political action group. I designed a logo and letterhead. I'll do business cards next. Then I'm going to work on something for Tom's music department shirts. Then I'll probably do a newsletter and/or website for the political group.

This might be the first time that the 1.5 years I went to grad school for graphic design have paid off. I got pregnant halfway through my degree program - stopped to have the baby and then realized that it just wasn't something I wanted to pursue as a career anyway and decided not to go back. I have no regrets about not finishing (except maybe being able to check of graduate school as the highest level of education completed since I didn't actually complete it).

Maybe culinary school would be useful too.

Freaking kids shows...

I just took a step back today and thought about the shows my almost 4 year old is watching. God they're crap. I mean - don't get me wrong. I think most of them are adorable and the moral lessons and imagination they've bred into my lovely Miss S are priceless. But Dora doesn't teach the freaking ABCs - does she? That's what we watch a lot of. And Olivia. And Max and Ruby. All just cute shows. No ABCs or 123s.

Rethinking a lot of things right now. I'm trying to get myself more motivated to keep the house clean on a daily basis. I do fine with the big stuff - washing floors and scrubbing bathrooms. It's the clutter that gets me. But I'm having a good two weeks. Hoping to keep it up for a while. Reading to Miss S - playing with Baby V. I feel good. Then my evil temper will show up (I'm - like a dimwit - slowly starting to associate those with PMS - who'd have thunk?)

We have a thief...

My nine month old has stolen my ability to knit. Well not my skill and knowledge about how to knit. Just my ability to have needles and yarn in my hands long enough to actually complete a stitch. And I've finally got the urge to knit something. Anything. But I'm stymied by a very active baby who would climb the stairs and eat every piece of dirt - crayon - paper - cat in the house if left unattended for two seconds.

Plus I'm having this mini-crisis of knitting faith. What's the point? What is it for? This probably stems from teh awful hat I made all winter. I worked on it a little bit every day as I picked the kids up from the bus. Finally I made it to decreasing and went to town. Bound off and tried on my gorgeous (in color and pattern) hat. Damn I have a big head. Or I made my hat too freaking small. It fits the 9 month old only slightly largely. So now I'm at a what's the point of knitting things that I can probably buy cheaper and apparently better. I have to find my way back to the "process" of it all being the point not the end product.

In good news - this mini-crisis of faith is preventing me from casting on for huge projects that - let's face it - I'll never finish. I'd like to knit a shawl for my sister or an afghan for my mother-in-law who's been asking for one for years. But I know that I'll cast on - knit a few inches - and abandon it. Much like the rubbermaid tub full of half-finished projects. So my goal now is to finish things. Start things that are finishable. Finish old projects that got left behind. Or throw them out/frog.

I need a rewind machine...

I think I deleted some of my very favorite pictures of Baby V without backing them up to my external hard drive. Of course, I told myself I'd backed them up, so it was okay to delete them. Not just delete them, but empty the recycle bin. I'm a freaking genius. All because digital scrapbooking has taken over my life and I wanted everything together and as much free space on my internal hard drive as possible to make my computer run nice and fast.

Now I have to check if I deleted my favorite picture of my four kids all together. And some other really cute ones. Kick. Kick. Kick.