Yeah. That's all there is until Christmas. One week. Seven days. And all I can think is how I'm caught up in the commercial. I'm not super religious. Okay, I'm not really religious at all. I'm completely weirded out by my 3.5 year old coming home from her Catholic preschool telling me about baby Jesus. I mean, I expected this sort of thing when I signed her up there, so I'm not at all offended, just weirded out. I was raised Catholic and the preschool is very easy on the religion - basic Christian stuff, nothing over the top, so it's not a problem.
Where was I going with all that? Oh, what Christmas means to me. It's not the gift-giving or the religious aspects that signify Christmas to me. It's family. I've been thinking about my style - specifically photographically-speaking, but just in all my endeavors and it all comes down to the same thing. Family is the most important thing to me. One of my problems now is focusing on my own little family rather than my larger extended family. I just know that change is coming as we all get older, our kids get older and more of my cousins have their own kids. Christmas won't be the same and I'm trying to hang on for as long as I can.
I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping it all gets done so I can relax and enjoy it all.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Breaking the streak...
2006 will go down as the first year since 2000 (including 2000) that I haven't been pregnant. I say that and think "that can't be right." But it is. For at least part of every year since Y2K, I've been pregnant at least part of the year. Except this one. And I'm partly sad, but mostly okay with it. Every day that goes by, my life gets a little easier. Baby S - not so much a baby anymore as a toddler - is becoming ever so independent. She is, in fact, helping herself to a cookie as I type. Be right back.
Mr. T is in school all day and while I miss him, it's so nice to grocery shop with just two kids again. Miss G is in preschool and for those five hours a week, I only have one child to worry about. And she's usually sleeping then. I can actually get things done without having to answer 356 questions about what I'm doing.
I said to a mother at school the other day that it's now or never. We either have the fourth child now or we stay at three. In the past, I've said that I think I will regret not having another years from now. Lately, I'm not so sure. I think if I'd gone into my pregnancy with Baby S thinking it was my last, I would be okay with it having been my last. I've been trying to enjoy her babyhood as if she were my last child. Maybe that's why I don't feel as called to have that fourth baby anymore.
Mr. T is in school all day and while I miss him, it's so nice to grocery shop with just two kids again. Miss G is in preschool and for those five hours a week, I only have one child to worry about. And she's usually sleeping then. I can actually get things done without having to answer 356 questions about what I'm doing.
I said to a mother at school the other day that it's now or never. We either have the fourth child now or we stay at three. In the past, I've said that I think I will regret not having another years from now. Lately, I'm not so sure. I think if I'd gone into my pregnancy with Baby S thinking it was my last, I would be okay with it having been my last. I've been trying to enjoy her babyhood as if she were my last child. Maybe that's why I don't feel as called to have that fourth baby anymore.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
I think my mom card is in jeopardy...
Mr. T is known by all who love him to be a bit, well, how do I put this? A bit particular about certain things. Some might go so far as to call him anal-retentive. Not me, of course. He just likes things his way. I can respect that, actually. He's not a neat freak and his things don't interfere with life...very often. He just has things in his head the way he wants them and real life better match up or be prepared to be changed. And if it can't be changed, he has a total meltdown. We're working on that part.
So today while he was at school, Miss G and I finished decorating the Christmas tree. I moved some ornaments that the kids had put on the very ends of branches to sturdier sections. As soon as Mr. T got home from school and saw this, he nonchalantly set about moving all the ornaments I had moved (that he had placed) back to where he had them. Back to the bowing, bending, breaking branches. I showed him why they needed to be on stronger branches and moved them to ones myself. He went back and moved them to other sturdy branches. Ones he picked out.
This is where the mom card gets iffy. I told him he is not to touch the tree at all from this point on. No moving any ornaments at all. As I'm telling him this, though, I couldn't keep my stern face. I just started laughing at how typically Mr. T the whole thing was. And worse, as I was talking to him, he reached out to move another ornament to where he wanted it. And I laughed as I was reminding him what I'd just told him. Isn't that like the first thing they tell you not to do in Parenting 101? Oops. There goes my mom card.
I'm not really worried about this, though. I mean I'm constantly trying to help him relax about whatever bizarre things he decides to obsess over and yet not crush that part of his spirit, because really it is him. It's part of the essence of Mr. T. I see my job as his parent - at least part of it - as helping him fit himself into the world - knowing when to change and when not to, what to change and what not to, how to do things the "right" way and how to stay true to yourself.
So today while he was at school, Miss G and I finished decorating the Christmas tree. I moved some ornaments that the kids had put on the very ends of branches to sturdier sections. As soon as Mr. T got home from school and saw this, he nonchalantly set about moving all the ornaments I had moved (that he had placed) back to where he had them. Back to the bowing, bending, breaking branches. I showed him why they needed to be on stronger branches and moved them to ones myself. He went back and moved them to other sturdy branches. Ones he picked out.
This is where the mom card gets iffy. I told him he is not to touch the tree at all from this point on. No moving any ornaments at all. As I'm telling him this, though, I couldn't keep my stern face. I just started laughing at how typically Mr. T the whole thing was. And worse, as I was talking to him, he reached out to move another ornament to where he wanted it. And I laughed as I was reminding him what I'd just told him. Isn't that like the first thing they tell you not to do in Parenting 101? Oops. There goes my mom card.
I'm not really worried about this, though. I mean I'm constantly trying to help him relax about whatever bizarre things he decides to obsess over and yet not crush that part of his spirit, because really it is him. It's part of the essence of Mr. T. I see my job as his parent - at least part of it - as helping him fit himself into the world - knowing when to change and when not to, what to change and what not to, how to do things the "right" way and how to stay true to yourself.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Ac-cen-tuate the positive...m
I can't quite eliminate the negative, but I need to focus on all the good fortune in my life to avoid getting worried and panicky about the bad stuff (which is always money concerns). Tom and I have a good relationship most of the time. Our kids are happy and healthy. Our families are basically sane (you know, as sane as anyone else). I sometimes get so overwhelmed by our financial problems, like enormous students loans and ever bill being behind right now, that I forget how very lucky we are.
In the spirit of the season, I'm vowing to keep that in my mind. And remember that twenty years from now the kids probably won't remember or ever have known that money was beyond tight. My dad was telling me about their early years and I didn't have a clue at the time. I'm hoping that this will just end up a story to tell T, G and S when they're facing tough times.
I'm doing it again, aren't I? Forgetting how great my husband and kids are, how we all stick together and all the good stuff. Ugh. Okay. No more.
In the spirit of the season, I'm vowing to keep that in my mind. And remember that twenty years from now the kids probably won't remember or ever have known that money was beyond tight. My dad was telling me about their early years and I didn't have a clue at the time. I'm hoping that this will just end up a story to tell T, G and S when they're facing tough times.
I'm doing it again, aren't I? Forgetting how great my husband and kids are, how we all stick together and all the good stuff. Ugh. Okay. No more.
Monday, November 27, 2006
The holiday blues? or Fake it till you feel it
I've been kind of down lately. Okay, really down. That's weird for me. Sure, I'm a moody bitch most of the time, but my moods go up just as quickly as they go down. I've been stressed over money, which isn't really anything unusual, but at the holidays, it hurts a lot worse. But things are looking up, so I'm starting to as well.
Interestingly, I've had my first non-family/friend request for photos. I don't even know what to do. My family is telling me I have to ask for a fee - even if it's just for gas, but I just don't feel good enough to do that. I did a shoot for my friend on Friday and I'm really proud of how good some of the photos are. I'm excited about the potential, but nervous about the really really soon reality of that. This is where I was planning to be in about a year, another year of low-stress shoots under my belt, another year of knowing the ins and outs of my camera (actually, that's the one part I am comfortable with), another year of developing my eye. My new sister-in-law has loads of potential word of mouth customers and in just my family, there are tons of kids and new babies being born all the time. I'm just not sure I'm ready. I told Tom that I feel like I'm at the top of a hill getting ready to run down it. It will be fun and exciting, but terrifying. And I hope to hell I don't fall.
So the holiday blues kind of stem from all that. I'm just not into it. Thanksgiving fell early this year, which seems to rob me of potential holiday spirit every time. It doesn't help that it's unseasonably warm and our house is still in disarray from all our unfinished projects. We made some progress organizing (and - shhh - getting rid of A LOT of toys). A little more work on it this week and I think we'll be ready to decorate later this week. I think I just need to fake the holiday spirit until I feel it so that I don't end up getting behind.
Interestingly, I've had my first non-family/friend request for photos. I don't even know what to do. My family is telling me I have to ask for a fee - even if it's just for gas, but I just don't feel good enough to do that. I did a shoot for my friend on Friday and I'm really proud of how good some of the photos are. I'm excited about the potential, but nervous about the really really soon reality of that. This is where I was planning to be in about a year, another year of low-stress shoots under my belt, another year of knowing the ins and outs of my camera (actually, that's the one part I am comfortable with), another year of developing my eye. My new sister-in-law has loads of potential word of mouth customers and in just my family, there are tons of kids and new babies being born all the time. I'm just not sure I'm ready. I told Tom that I feel like I'm at the top of a hill getting ready to run down it. It will be fun and exciting, but terrifying. And I hope to hell I don't fall.
So the holiday blues kind of stem from all that. I'm just not into it. Thanksgiving fell early this year, which seems to rob me of potential holiday spirit every time. It doesn't help that it's unseasonably warm and our house is still in disarray from all our unfinished projects. We made some progress organizing (and - shhh - getting rid of A LOT of toys). A little more work on it this week and I think we'll be ready to decorate later this week. I think I just need to fake the holiday spirit until I feel it so that I don't end up getting behind.
Wednesday, November 8, 2006
Friday to Monday in the Caribbean is not enough time.
And now we're back, fully in the swing of everyday life. I have much to blog about from this trip, the most relevant being my identity crisis. Everyone around me thought that I was missing my kids and therefore kind of down. But the real problem was not so much that I missed them (of course I did, but it wasn't that bad), but that I was blindsided by how completely I define myself by them. I am T, G and S's mother. Without the T G and S, I was...I didn't know. I...I... I don't think this is a good thing and I'm hoping it will bring about some changes in my life maybe, although I'm not sure what.
The photography part was the highlight of the trip for me. I was the wedding photographer and loved it. And I loved knowing how to get good shots and figuring out the light and working with it. I took over 500 pictures and I'm going to spend the rest of the week going through them and sorting into categories and editing as needed.
Tom figured out that I was tense thoughout the trip because I was nervous about the return flight. I don't mind being away from my babies, but I'm not a good flyer (although that part turned out pretty easy and I might even do it again). As soon as we landed back home, I was relaxed. I didn't relax very much on the trip, not like one would expect. I felt like I needed to be doing something. When I sat on the beach, I felt like I needed to be doing dishes or laundry or something. I had trouble sleeping - worried about getting home and the bills and crap that awaited me. And I feel very guilty because Tom and I didn't get any couple time - mainly because I was wrapped up inside my head and partly because we were there with a group, we needed to spend time with them (or, well, I suppose I wanted to. Tom would have liked to spend less time with them, I think).
The photography part was the highlight of the trip for me. I was the wedding photographer and loved it. And I loved knowing how to get good shots and figuring out the light and working with it. I took over 500 pictures and I'm going to spend the rest of the week going through them and sorting into categories and editing as needed.
Tom figured out that I was tense thoughout the trip because I was nervous about the return flight. I don't mind being away from my babies, but I'm not a good flyer (although that part turned out pretty easy and I might even do it again). As soon as we landed back home, I was relaxed. I didn't relax very much on the trip, not like one would expect. I felt like I needed to be doing something. When I sat on the beach, I felt like I needed to be doing dishes or laundry or something. I had trouble sleeping - worried about getting home and the bills and crap that awaited me. And I feel very guilty because Tom and I didn't get any couple time - mainly because I was wrapped up inside my head and partly because we were there with a group, we needed to spend time with them (or, well, I suppose I wanted to. Tom would have liked to spend less time with them, I think).
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