Ac-cen-tuate the positive...m

I can't quite eliminate the negative, but I need to focus on all the good fortune in my life to avoid getting worried and panicky about the bad stuff (which is always money concerns). Tom and I have a good relationship most of the time. Our kids are happy and healthy. Our families are basically sane (you know, as sane as anyone else). I sometimes get so overwhelmed by our financial problems, like enormous students loans and ever bill being behind right now, that I forget how very lucky we are.

In the spirit of the season, I'm vowing to keep that in my mind. And remember that twenty years from now the kids probably won't remember or ever have known that money was beyond tight. My dad was telling me about their early years and I didn't have a clue at the time. I'm hoping that this will just end up a story to tell T, G and S when they're facing tough times.

I'm doing it again, aren't I? Forgetting how great my husband and kids are, how we all stick together and all the good stuff. Ugh. Okay. No more.

The holiday blues? or Fake it till you feel it

I've been kind of down lately. Okay, really down. That's weird for me. Sure, I'm a moody bitch most of the time, but my moods go up just as quickly as they go down. I've been stressed over money, which isn't really anything unusual, but at the holidays, it hurts a lot worse. But things are looking up, so I'm starting to as well.

Interestingly, I've had my first non-family/friend request for photos. I don't even know what to do. My family is telling me I have to ask for a fee - even if it's just for gas, but I just don't feel good enough to do that. I did a shoot for my friend on Friday and I'm really proud of how good some of the photos are. I'm excited about the potential, but nervous about the really really soon reality of that. This is where I was planning to be in about a year, another year of low-stress shoots under my belt, another year of knowing the ins and outs of my camera (actually, that's the one part I am comfortable with), another year of developing my eye. My new sister-in-law has loads of potential word of mouth customers and in just my family, there are tons of kids and new babies being born all the time. I'm just not sure I'm ready. I told Tom that I feel like I'm at the top of a hill getting ready to run down it. It will be fun and exciting, but terrifying. And I hope to hell I don't fall.

So the holiday blues kind of stem from all that. I'm just not into it. Thanksgiving fell early this year, which seems to rob me of potential holiday spirit every time. It doesn't help that it's unseasonably warm and our house is still in disarray from all our unfinished projects. We made some progress organizing (and - shhh - getting rid of A LOT of toys). A little more work on it this week and I think we'll be ready to decorate later this week. I think I just need to fake the holiday spirit until I feel it so that I don't end up getting behind.

The view from our hotel room...

  

Friday to Monday in the Caribbean is not enough time.

And now we're back, fully in the swing of everyday life. I have much to blog about from this trip, the most relevant being my identity crisis. Everyone around me thought that I was missing my kids and therefore kind of down. But the real problem was not so much that I missed them (of course I did, but it wasn't that bad), but that I was blindsided by how completely I define myself by them. I am T, G and S's mother. Without the T G and S, I was...I didn't know. I...I... I don't think this is a good thing and I'm hoping it will bring about some changes in my life maybe, although I'm not sure what.

The photography part was the highlight of the trip for me. I was the wedding photographer and loved it. And I loved knowing how to get good shots and figuring out the light and working with it. I took over 500 pictures and I'm going to spend the rest of the week going through them and sorting into categories and editing as needed.

Tom figured out that I was tense thoughout the trip because I was nervous about the return flight. I don't mind being away from my babies, but I'm not a good flyer (although that part turned out pretty easy and I might even do it again). As soon as we landed back home, I was relaxed. I didn't relax very much on the trip, not like one would expect. I felt like I needed to be doing something. When I sat on the beach, I felt like I needed to be doing dishes or laundry or something. I had trouble sleeping - worried about getting home and the bills and crap that awaited me. And I feel very guilty because Tom and I didn't get any couple time - mainly because I was wrapped up inside my head and partly because we were there with a group, we needed to spend time with them (or, well, I suppose I wanted to. Tom would have liked to spend less time with them, I think). 

%*^&%*% Girl Scouts!!!

So I read the ingredients list, hoping that I would find the secret ingredient (okay, I guess if it's a secret, it's probably not listed, then maybe) that makes me want to consume an ENTIRE FREAKING BOX. Oh, for the love of Thin Mints.

But the drugs I've been taking for my back have the bonus benefit of completely sapping me of an appetite. I've lost another four pounds. Woohoo! Punta Cana, here I come.

What has MamaChris been up to this week?

A whole lot of nothing. And I mean that quite literally. I've been incapable of doing more than crawling to the bathroom. I posted about the carpet cleaning lady and how I couldn't vacuum because I hurt my back, right? So on Tuesday morning, I didn't just hurt. I couldn't walk. I actually asked someone for help - a sure sign that MamaChris is in some major pain. My dad took Miss G to preschool and picked Mr. T up from kindergarten. My mom picked Miss G back up from preschool. Any Baby S lifting was done by someone other than me too. Finally, I caved and made a doctor's appointment. The nice P.A. gave me some muscle relaxers, 800mg ibuprofen and a painkiller. So I took the muscle relaxer Tuesday night. Wednesday morning I woke up and COULD NOT MOVE. I tried to crawl to the bathtub because I thought the hot water would make it hurt less. I couldn't even get in the tub. Somehow I managed to get in, but then I could get my clothes off. Yes, I took a hot bath with my clothes on. Hey, I was in PAIN. P.A.I.N. Tom was home from school so I took the muscle relaxer (which really doesn't feel like it does that much to me) while I stayed in bed all day. By the end of the day I could move again. Barely. Thursday I could move a little bit more, but still had people moving the kids where they needed to be. Friday I could actually walk without limping or screaming.

And today? I went to the Notre Dame-Navy game. !!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, yeah, I remember the back thing, but it's NOTRE DAME. Don't you get it? Notre. Dame. And I was there. Sure, I'll probably be unable to move tomorrow and my back hurts a lot right now, but our seats were in the 11th row. OMG! It was awesome. Funny, but my back didn't hurt until we were in the car on the way home.

My house is an absolute wreck since I have only barely been capable of walking this week. I feel most days like I do nothing, but turns out I do something. It's almost like a strike, but without the teach them a lesson part. It taught me a lesson. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

To the woman who tried to sell me carpet cleaning:

When I say "No, thank you," in a polite, but final tone, your "Are you sure you don't want that carpet cleaned?" with a sneer as you look into my house is not likely to change my mind. It is, however, likely to make me wish I'd taken your damned flyer so I could call your company and tell them what a bitch you are.

FYI - I did something to my back and can barely move. It's been 8 days now and that's mainly why my floor is still covered in toys. I brave great pain to vacuum every day (and that's probably why my back still hurts - that and the laundry I haul up and down two sets of stairs every day), but picking up toys every time my 15 month old empties the toy bin is not something I'm willing to brave pain for.